Last couple of days have been a huge tussle and turmoil for me, and a lot others who matter and care for me. I have been putting up loads of weird status updates that made no sense at all, other than probably to me and to the one they were supposed to be for. It’s been a week that not just wrung everything most out of me, ever, be it emotionally, physically or even financially, it was also a week that taught me how adversely the simple act of taking your loved ones for granted can affect your relationships.
I always used to have the faith that a good relationship is like good wine (clichéd, I know). You enjoy it more with time. It ripens more with age. With age comes the maturity, the easiness, the feeling that just by sitting beside the one you love gives you a world of warmth and comfort, even if they do not speak a single word. One of my ideal scenarios is when she and I sit on a beach, watching the sun setting, little kids making castles with the sand, young couples splashing water at each other, the older ones walking with their hands held, cutting down the horizon at multiple sections, little fishing ships returning back home after their day’s catch, and all this while I could feel every single emotion my love has been going through, by not even looking at her. Yes, probably that’d be the most perfect date for me, the perfect evening, with the perfect partner.
Relationships are probably the most complicated human phenomenon known to me. Because, to understand your relationship, you do not just need to understand your partner, but rather her needs, her whims, her close ones, her family, friends, you need to understand what makes her tick, you need to memorize what ticks her off, you need to constantly improvise on making her orgasm, not just physically but emotionally too. You need to understand her career, and you need to understand her circumstances. Unless you make a damn good job at figuring all of this out, you relationship is bound to get fucked for good, if not today, definitely tomorrow. And you know what would frustrate you the most? Even if you do all of the above and more, there is no guarantee that your relationship won’t get fucked over and over again.
I remember I always used to advise people that if you love someone with all your heart and soul, be brave and let that person drift away from you. If she loves you, she will always come back to you. If she doesn’t, probably she was never up for the keeps. Today, I learnt something much more than that. I learnt that while she would always come back to me if she loved me, what if this period of separation changed me complete as a person? What if this separation changed the very man she had once loved? What if this separation completely kills my ability to love? What if this separation gets me desperate and I end up taking my own life? Then what good would it do me even if she wanted to come back to me in the later years? Won’t that kill me all the more when, after years of waiting for her, I realize that she wants to be with me but I could not let her do so, because that might mean breaking yet another heart in the process. Today I learnt that if you love someone, you should guard that person with the last of the strength that might be left in your body. If you love someone, your ego is the last thing that should come between you. You should always remember that it ain’t war, and neither is it a deal you are signing into. If it concerns the one you love, there can not be any conditions. There can not be any compromises. Yes, you might leave your job to be with your sweetheart. But that’s called making a choice. If it ever crosses your mind that you made compromises in your life, for your love, then they were no compromises at all! You might have taken pains a million of times for the one you love. But, if one fine day, you start counting them off your fingers, they do not sound “sacrifices” anymore. They sound more like you taking care of your side of a “deal”, which is your relationship.
Today I learnt that not all decisions, about your love, can be taken with an analytical approach. As a matter of fact, a relationship is more of a thing of your gut, than your brain. If your gut feelings asks you to do something, it’s better you go ahead and do it, than wasting time in analyzing the situation. When it is your relationship at stake, it is your spinal cord that shall give you better judgment power, than that grey matter of yours.
Today I learnt, you might have a million of friends who would give their life for you, who would bail you out of every single problem, but they can never be the Devil’s Advocate when it’s your relationship is at stake. You know why? Because they have never seen how you look at her eyes when you are orgasming into her womb. Because they have not felt your heart beat when you were asleep in your lover’s arms. They have never experienced the excitement and anticipation you felt when you used to meet your lover after ages of separation. They were not around you when you would stay awake, all night, whispering sweet nothings into your partner’s ears. They were not around when you had spent hours in the solitude of your bed, trying to figure out how to make your lover feel special on your next love anniversary. It was not them who felt like conquering the world just because your lover had that twinkle in her eyes every time she met you. They were not there every time your love hugged you and made you feel the most special person in his life, made you believe that you are in the most secure pair of arms, which will never let you go, doesn’t matter how deep a shit you are in.
Friends are there to be your support, to be a helping hand, to be the shoulder to cry on. Friends are there to give you company, they are there to make you feel safe. They are also there to support you. They can give you a perspective, but aren’t supposed to drive a hole into your head for you to absorb it within your system. Friends are great to have, only if they understand that you are first an individual, and then a friend.
Today I learnt if you love someone, it is important to own up to it, too. Today I learnt that if you have a cause, you need to have the balls to fight for it too. Today I learnt, if you plan to go against the tide of the society, you should have the courage to stand up for it too.
Today I learnt that I am one of the lousiest guys to be in a relationship with. Today I learnt that I might be the least romantic of the guys to go out on a date with. But today I also learnt that if I love someone, I can turn hell loose, and fuck all my principles, just to get her back, just to be with her, for her happiness, for her love.
This blog is basically a chronicle of my life, and my emotions, since the time I first left home, in search of the oblivion, in quest of my ultimate goal. This blog has a lot of my memories that still manages to churn out a plethora of emotions within me, every time I wade through the cobwebs of my memory. While I was just a little teenager when I started with it, today I am in the transition phase of being a man of my own stature. And the journey still continues.
10/03/2010 at 02:40 Permalink
Shayon,
I have read all current posts. I am feeling unhappy at what happened and made you write this post with so much of deep understanding of human relationships. May I request you to contact me on my mail id in my profile. I will be more than happy if I can do anything to have it back on track. You two seemed ideal couple to me and I was praying that you both have a very happy future.
Take care
10/03/2010 at 04:43 Permalink
Hi Uncle J,
While I'd be very glad if anything you did helped us get back together, I shall refrain myself from asking you to do anything of that sorts. I know you are confounded, and to some extent, so am I. But then, I might not have the strength of changing the way of the world, I must have the courage accept what life dishes out to me. It was her who got a few doubts on her mind, it's her who's got a few issues with me. And it got to be her, and only her, to figure out how to sort them out, if at all. I know that she's a little gullible when it comes to friends and I'd hate it if she takes a decision solely because of a friend's advise.
I just wanted you to read this post because I got a voice too, and there's a story on my side too.
Adios.
10/03/2010 at 04:44 Permalink
What a beautiful post, Shayon. Makes me feel even worse about your relationship not working out. It somehow always felt like it was meant to be.
I hope you pull yourself out of this really soon, and reach a stage when there will be no pain – just fond memories.
*hug* Call if and whenever you need to talk.
10/03/2010 at 04:50 Permalink
Good to know that you liked the post.
By the way, what do you mean was "meant to be", the "relationship not working out" part? Anyway, am doing alright. Do get the bouts of break ups whenever I am all alone. But then again, when you keep getting pained at just one spot, time and again, the point becomes numb with time, and then you suddenly find there's no pain at all. It becomes a part of your life so efficiently that you figure there's no pain at all, anymore.
10/03/2010 at 05:48 Permalink
Shayon,
I do not interfere even in affairs of our son and his wife unless they want it. So be assured I will not take any step but would like you to share what happened with me to enable me to offer options with my experience. Choice is entirely yours.
Take care
10/03/2010 at 05:57 Permalink
Trust me, I really appreciate your gesture of lending out a helping hand. However, nothing will take away the fact that you are more of her friend than mine. And I am not sure if she'd like me to share the details with you. I shall rather leave the onus onto her. Because whatever happened, concerned her too, not just me. And I can not decide for both of us.
However, in case things do get a bit out of hand, I just might share it with you
10/03/2010 at 07:25 Permalink
No! I meant that the two of you were 'meant' to be together.
10/03/2010 at 09:48 Permalink
Tell you what, when you have time, take a long sabbatical and go on a holiday, alone. Time with yourself will help, even change you for ever, hopefully for the better.
10/03/2010 at 14:21 Permalink
hey man….i came at your log after a long time…this was the post i read….and i felt sad…with whatever happend…..but i certainly agree with you last para….life teaches us many things..and we all r in a process of learning……all the best…
29/03/2010 at 04:56 Permalink
If you expect your partner to be available at every minute, you are putting him/her up for failure. They cannot be expected to stop their life, but they can make a more concerted effort to keep you involved in their life.
29/03/2010 at 09:51 Permalink
Ohh… did I really say that i expect my partner to be available to me every minute? Could you please point me to the line that suggested that?
29/03/2010 at 13:44 Permalink
Hi Shayon, took up your invitation to visit and glad to have come.
This is a lovely piece – got me riveted to it down to the end. Love the thoughts in it. But these two caught my eye —
– "..if you love someone with all your heart and soul, be brave and let that person drift away from you. If she loves you, she will always come back to you. If she doesn’t, probably she was never up for the keeps. "
– " I also learnt that if I love someone, I can turn hell loose, and fuck all my principles, just to get her back, just to be with her, for her happiness, for her love. "
Interesting!
I have always thought that when you love someone, there shouldn't be any if's or but's to it. No holding back. No conditions. You just give it your all. This could take you to the ends of the world or to making a fool of yourself for the _nth time or turn your world crazily upside down and around or simply said — just feeling so in love and don't care a shit if all hell breaks lose.. You simply love. And that is beautiful, truly!
But as all things in life go through change, so will a relationship. Layers get peeled off sooner or later and sometimes we don't like what we see or discover. Or maybe the other person is growing at a much faster clip and tips the scale over to that person's favor. Dissatisfaction and resentment sets in. Many reasons bring about change. Change which may upset the balance or rattle comfort zones. And this puts pressure on any relationship. Can love cope or handle that? Sometimes yes, sometimes not.
So then If the moment should come for hard decisions by either party which would inevitably end up in an empty nest so to speak, then perhaps it is best to learn to let go. You can't keep someone or something which isn't yours anymore, can you?. Maybe not so much losing his or her heart cause love must still be there .. but a loss brought about by a mind that has grown by leaps and bounds harder to rein in or catch. Letting go would make transition easier from having to not having. Further, it is just right to free a person to seek his or her own truth or grow where asked to grow by life or change where the heart so dictates truthfully. Certainly it will be very sad and would crumble your own world, but if your loss would mean a loved one's gain … then letting go might be deemed heroic too and would point to a beautiful heart which knows how to love and love so well. Don't you think?
Or I could be wrong on both counts.. hahah! 
On the subject of friendship, I've read somewhere that ..'a friend is one who knows when to speak and when to shut up'. If anyone would ask me the main criteria for choosing a friend.. maybe I'll say — one who knows how to listen with his heart… and listen well.
Thank you for the pleasure of reading your blog and for inviting me in. Have a blessed day. God bless you!
29/03/2010 at 13:51 Permalink
Dear Ellen,
I do agree to most of your points. But there is one thing that keeps bothering me is what if the person I love decides to distance herself away from me not because she does not or can not be with me, but simply because she's trying to be a martyr by saying "You do not deserve me. You deserve someone better"? How do you react to it then?
30/03/2010 at 05:50 Permalink
Dear Shayon,
Everybody is formed by his own history. You are who you are by what you have gone through or by its absence in your life's journey. That includes your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, fears, and insecurities. So she is reacting perhaps out of some insecurity or from a unhappy piece of her history. If she thinks so little of herself, does it not tell you that something or somewhere there in her life may have influenced to some degree her capacity to love herself? That, I think, should be figured out first before she can learn to love another on equal terms. In love, there is no one greater or lesser than the other but rather both come together on equal terms.. It's an interplay on the common ground of sharing, of giving and taking — of receiving love and giving love. Love gives one a sense of well-being, of security, of joy and peace, of feeling on top of the world! If a person finds it hard to feel or experience that, then something must be wrong somewhere. And that is what you have to find out, if you want to give the relationship another chance. Why not try to coax it out of her gently and lovingly?
30/03/2010 at 06:01 Permalink
I am trying… that is exactly what I am trying. I am just glad that someone else too shares my belief and that I am not really a psychotic ex-boyfriend who can not even take a breakup in its spirit :-p
30/03/2010 at 12:34 Permalink
Hahah.. psychotic ex-boyfriend. That's some tag to call yourself. Nah, I don't think you are although I don't know you well, I think you have expressed yourself honestly which I can appreciate. But remember there are always two sides to a coin. Nothing happens without reason. So you have to find out about her side of the story too to be fair. It is good that you are trying to get her to the table for honest talk because it's the only way to get to the truth. And if perchance she won't despite concerted effort, then wisdom would tell you to have proper closure to the relationship. This will enable both of you to heal and move on without old baggage on your backs.. And if you can, maybe setting down a deadline would be kinder to yourself. Otherwise this matter would simply be hanging over your head or heads, indefinitely. Not a pleasant thing. I hope that she wisely looks at it that way too.
Breathe, my friend.
Others have gone out on that same road you're traveling and survived it. 
Good luck with my best regards. God bless you.
30/03/2010 at 13:06 Permalink
About the timeline part, can not really put it in hours, or days. But yes, I do have a timeline. And that's until the day i run out of my patience, or until the day I do not wanna be hers anymore. In hours and days, I doubt I can put in a timeline.