Well, first things first. I must admit, I have NEVER (yes, never!) before received a blog award, and here is the very first one, thanks to Rohini. Yes, I am happy. I must admit, I am not really excited about the award itself. But the very gesture that Rohini felt this blog should be awarded, was what touched my heart. And of course, just like your very first love, you always remember your very first blog award. So, without any more ado, here’s my award!

And, I would like to pass on this award to Sakshi, Cathy, Suruchi and Uncle J.

It was just 3 days back when mom gave me an amazing news. They are going back home. Yes, they are going back to Mumbai! Two more weeks and Mumbai’s gonna be my home again. Now, I have spent 15 years of my life in Mumbai. And Mumbai is where my heart is. So naturally, now I have started to target all my energy and concentration onto moving to Mumbai. Do not know how soon that’s gonna happen, but I am surely keeping my fingers crossed.

The day before yesterday, I got involved into an amazing verbal volley with my landlord. Why? Well, we discovered that he has installed a separate tap/knob that would stop the water supply at our and the other tenant’s flat, but he and his sorry family could enjoy the bliss of 24×7 water supply. You have no idea about the extent I was infuriated to. Anyway, we have already given them an ultimatum and leaving the present house as soon as we find a new one, with 24×7 water and power supply. Have had enough of living in the primitive age!

Remember my post about the launch of a product that i was working on? Well, that went on really well. Finally, nothing goofed up, and now we are rolling. Just one more iteration and we are gonna make a pan-India launch, very soon. Want free passes? Then don’t forget to leave a comment to this blog post

For the last couple of days, a weird feeling of depression has engulfed my heart. It’s a useless thought, I know. I know, it’s not worth losing my sleep over. And yet, try how I may, still haven’t managed to shake those images out of my head. Life’s suddenly started to feel drudgery. Even with Suruchi’s amazing anecdotes, that innocent laugh has stopped reappearing from within. Now, everything’s so controlled. Suddenly, I feel so grown up, and old. Suddenly, I am grumpy. Makes me feel like shouting on top of my voice, “Somebody, please save me! Show me the path!!” Now that I can actually see my life getting back on track, why can I not be happy? Why can I, at least, not pretend to be happy?

How I wish I knew!

I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels,
but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell.
I may have the gift of inspired preaching,
I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets,
I may have all the faith needed to move mountains,
but if I have no love, I have nothing.

Love is patient and kind;
it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
love is not ill-mannered, selfish or irritable;
love does not keep a record of wrongs;
love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
Love never gives up.

Love is eternal.
There are inspired messages, but they are temporary;
there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease;
there is knowledge, but it will pass.
For our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are only partial,
but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial, disappears.

Meanwhile, these three remain -
Love, Faith and Hope.

And the greatest of these is Love.

I have a friend of mine, Tamanna, who was once in a relationship with Rajiv. Their affair was a pretty torrid one, and lasted for quite a while. However, Tamanna had always been looking for commitment, and Rajiv was in no position to give it to her. Rajiv had a set path for his career, and marriage never really figured in it. So, despite both of them loving each other with their hearts and souls, Tamanna did not have a choice but look elsewhere. So, they decided to call it quits, but remained friends.

Tamanna had a colleague of hers, Vivin, who she liked a lot. Apparently Vivin did so too and even proposed to her one day. Needless to say, she agreed. Their relationship felt good, Tamanna again found someone who cared for her, loved her. It was during one of the office parties, in the beautiful haven of Ooty, after an awesome session of sex right in the morning, Tamanna felt the time was good for her to mention the M-word to Vivin, that evening. Alas! That evening she had been running helter-skelter to find this guy, when she suddenly stumbled upon him at one of the lifts, holed up with one of his juniors, pants down. There shatters another dream of hers.

After this incident, she ran back straight to Rajiv. Now, she never told him the specifics of her breakup with Vivin, because she knew Rajiv would’ve given him a beating, for good. Plus, she also did not want him to know that she had left the job, because she couldn’t see Vivin walk into the office, every single day, with the other girl in his arms. It used to kill her every single time.

It was at this juncture that I entered Tamanna’s life.

In the short while we were in the same city, I remember, she had quite a couple of boyfriends. And yet, quite a few fine mornings, she’d come up and tell me, “Guess what? Rajiv and I had amazing sex last night!” Or other acts to that effect.

She would tell me that it didn’t matter how many guys she went out with, she could never forget Rajiv. She realized that he would never be her husband, and yet she could not tear herself, or her emotions, apart from Rajiv. I had asked her, if you think you can not be just friends with him, if you realize that every time you meet him, all your feelings come rushing back in, wasn’t it better that you stayed away from him? While she used to agree with my feeling, she never followed it, citing that it was impossible for her not to speak with Rajiv, not to care for him, not to look after his well-being. I stayed moot.

It was during these days of confusion when she met another guy, Navneet. The love that struck between them was instant. I remember, she used to send me random texts, any time of the day or night, “Shayon, you know what? I am deeply, madly, truely in love with Navneet!” I used to just read it, smile, and go back to my day’s work. But it did use to make me feel very happy that she finally found someone who could return her the love she deserved. A few months of dating, and they got married.

I was having a word with Tamanna the other day, and she told me that once in a while she got this bout of speaking with Rajiv, so she would just pick up the phone and give him a ring. Now, while Navneet knew everything about his relationship with Tamanna (I have no clue if he’s aware of Vivin), he also knew how strongly she would feel for Rajiv. And it would get extremely difficult for him to take it that his girlfriend/wife loved someone else with so much passion and vigor. Navneet would find it very difficult to live with that fact, and hence had made it very clear that he was not comfortable with Tamanna maintaining any sort of relationship with Rajiv.

Now, while Tamanna tried extremely hard, she could never stop herself from speaking with Rajiv, once every couple of days. And because she knew Navneet never liked it, she couldn’t even tell him about it. And this would make her feel guilty every single time! When the guilt used to outweigh her capacity, she at times would confess to Navneet, which in turn would spoil his whole day. Not that Navneet would scold or curse at Tamanna, he would take the information in very silently. But he would never manage to take it out of his head, the whole day. And this behavior of his has put Tamanna in a tight spot. Tamanna is not even sure whether she understands the justification of Navneet’s feelings. She had pinged me up on GTalk saying that she wasn’t even sure which way to take. She couldn’t keep speaking with Rajiv and keep the information from Navneet. The guilt would always kill her. Neither could she cut away from Rajiv, because her systems stop functioning if she stays out of touch from Rajiv’s life, for over a month.

I wonder, how tough would it be, to be friends with your partner’s ex? Is there anybody out there, who actually is? While you are with the one you love, does the fact that she was once with someone else, ever affect you? Have you ever hallucinated about how your partner and the ex might have copulated, while you are in bed with your love? Have you ever thought about what your love might use to call the ex, every time you are addressed to by your puppy name?

Was Navneet’s reaction justified? How do you think Tamanna would cope up? Is it really that hard to be friends with your partner’s ex? Is it always that you feel like breaking the ex’es face, every time the name hits your head, or you see the ex out there on the road? How does it work for you? Any inputs?

My head bows low.
To read your woes.
To remember your pains.
To surrender to the fate.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When you tell me how much you loved.
When I feel how much you loved.
When I see how much you loved.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When I feel the pain.
When I go insane.
When the whole life feels to be down the drain.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
Every time I trust.
Every time I get disappointed.
Every time I breach the code.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
To see the suffering caused.
To know that I am responsible.
To learn how you feel.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
To see you served your heart.
To feel you served your soul.
To learn you served your body.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
In fear of the unknown.
In the pain we have borne.
In the hope that we might mourn.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
To be such a frustrated fuck.
To be such a psychotic moron.
To be, what I was not meant to be.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
Every time I hear your voices.
Every time I hallucinate about him.
Every time I hate you.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
Every moment I am asleep.
Every moment I am awake.
Every moment I am in the fourth dimension.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When I wonder about the future.
When I wonder whether I try too hard.
When I wonder if all is lost.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When I break my promise.
When I get all cranked up.
When I stop having hope.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
With every single hug.
With every single kiss.
With every single fuck.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When you aren’t within my reach.
When I crave for that touch.
When I die for that twinkle.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
When I remember the past.
When I look at the present.
When I wonder about the future.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
For not being a confidante.
For not being a friend.
For not being a lover.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
Every time I got hurt.
Every time I was lied to.
Every time I got killed.
My head bows low.

My head bows low.
To ask what I did.
To say what I did.
To do what I did.
My head bows low.

This is not exactly a poetry. Maybe just a pathetic attempt. But to describe it better, just wanted to pen down a series of thoughts that have been running in my mind, since last night. But yes, despite all that I am feeling right now, and all that I wrote, I still have the hope. I still want to raise my head high, with love, with glory, with pride. And say, “I am back!”

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman’s feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.

Such is the inconsistency of real love, that it is always awake to suspicion, however unreasonable; always requiring new assurances from the object of its interest.

I was reading this post title “Sense of Satisfaction” by Uncle Jack, when an idea for a blog post formulated within my head. In the story that Uncle J told us, the concerned man was married himself, which brings out a completely different angle to it. However, what if the man wasn’t married, and that he did not have the disorder of leaking company secrets if lured by female company? What if, the man simply loved the idea of sharing the bed with multiple women, doesn’t matter whether at different times, or at the same time? Would the world still regard him as normal?

Yes, it definitely feels completely out of the world if you experience both emotional and physical intercourse at the same time. But, how about instances when a man (or even a woman, for that matter) wishes to satiate himself with musterbatorial pleasure? And if we do not regard self-pleasure as a sin, then wouldn’t we deem such instances normal too when a man actually manages to find a partner, to take care of his sexual needs, every single time? Pure sexual satisfaction?

Speaking of the society we are brought up in, where the very idea of indulging in sexual activity, before marriage, is looked down upon… speaking of a legal system that deems anal sex (before or after marriage, doesn’t matter) illegal… speaking of a society where 99% of the population would not even know what a sex toy means… how does it feel? How does a man manage to survive in this closed box?

It was just the other day I had bought a pack of condoms, at around 11.30pm, and the store keeper asked me “Sir, itne raat ko condom khareed ne aaye ho? Ladki kahan se milegi?” While I was anyway pissed that he dared to get that personal with me, I also noted the fact that he took it for granted that it has to be a woman for which I was buying those condoms. So much so, that I actually retorted back with “Agar koi mili nahin toh aap hi se kaam chala loonga. Kyun, thik hai na?”

I am as much of a social animal as you are. And neither do I have any grudges against our Indian society. As a matter of fact, I find our society to be much more evolved, and more balanced, than most other around the world. Yet, it saddens me at times when people find it too hard to keep their noses clean, to keep to their own affairs, to judge a person by the way he works and behaves, and not his sexual preferences. If a man has a fetish for thongs, let him be, rather than ridiculing him for the same. If a man needs another man to take care of himself, who are you to get into the middle, unless he approaches you yourself for the same? And even if he does, you should be politely declining him, the way you would decline another girl who professes her love for you but you do not share the same feelings.

Can you answer me a question, here? Is it the man who builds the society, or is it the society that builds the man?

Image Credit: MALFIE

Bangalore’s early morning sun seems to be overshadowed by the clouds that have formed, since last night. Yes, the rains have started. And with the rains, I am hoping that shadows of my life get washed away too. I know I am hoping for too much. But I also know that it is hope himself that has been keeping me alive, all this while. It is hope that has been giving me the strength to go on, to take on the other responsibilities in my life. It is this hope that has been bogging me down to no end. It is this hope that is refusing me the relief of moving on. And then, it is this hope that assures me that life will be fine. It is this hope that makes me what my friends call “painfully optimist”. Yes, the hope gives me pain too. And it gives me a bottomless pit in my tummy every time I wake up, every time I feel the sands of time running away from this little palm of mine, every time I am being reminded of being loved but asked to “wait and watch”.

Bangalore’s skies are sombre today. And the climate’s chilly. I take a little mist atop my fingertip and say to it, “What a co-incidence, so is my heart!” Bangalore’s skies seem to be able to read me, my heart. And I say to it, “What a co-incidence, so did my sweetheart!” And then I turn away. I turn away not because I hate the sky for being sombre, but because I hate it for being able to see through my heart. And that realization does sear through my heart. It tells me, “You are such an emotional son of a bitch, you moron!” Yes, I am. But you know what, Bangalore sky? There is fun in this pain. This pain tells me that I am in love. This pain tells me that my heart still beats. This pain tells me that I haven’t become a stone yet. And this pain tells me that I have hope. Bangalore sky, when was the last time you felt the pain? When was the last time you pined for something, so much, that you can feel every single artery of your heart bursting away? You will never know how it feels to be in pain and yet never to cry. You will not, because I know you cry more than you shine. Because I know that you are a spineless gnome who can cry, but not fight for your feelings. I know you will learn. Now that I am here, I shall help you learn. And yes, I shall love you too. But right now, allow me to bask in my pain. For now, let me be hopeful. For now, let me find my path.

And later on, this was what I had commented…

So, what’s your take on the whole discussion?

Disclaimer: The following content is a work of pure (non)fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely intentional.

Day 1

Boy: (after hanging up the phone) Guess what? I was just speaking with Reshma, the hot chick in my office I told you about?
Girl: Uh…huh!
Boy: That was pretty cold. Aren’t you Jealous?
Girl: Because you feel like wagging your tail before a bimbo? Excuse me, please don’t insult my intelligence.

Day 2

Boy: (comes home and drops the car keys on the table) Guess what? Had gone out with Reshma today, for lunch. Had a really good time.
Girl: Good to see you’re connecting well with your colleagues.
Boy: How could you be so insensitive? Aren’t you Jealous?
Girl: Because you had a good time, having lunch, with another girl? What, you expect me to chain you down?

Day 3

Boy: Sorry I couldn’t attend your call. I was with Reshma and she would feel bad if I just started talking to you, out of the blue.
Girl: Ohh..okay, I didn’t know that. Next time, just shoot an sms, okay?
Boy: What the hell? I just told you that I did not pick up your phone call because I was with another girl. Aren’t you Jealous?
Girl: I am just glad that you told me about it, rather than making a cock-a-bull story about it.

Day 4

Boy: Sweetheart, I am really sorry how things happened. I ended up sleeping with Reshma, yesterday!
Girl: Do you love her?
Boy: Hardly. She’s a weird chick with huge boobs, but a fucked up mind, a fucked up life.
Girl: Do you think you can keep her out of our lives?
Boy: I would do anything to keep you happy, sweetheart.
Girl: The question is not about me, it’s about your intentions, and your feelings.
Boy: Umm…aren’t you Jealous?
Girl: If you sleep with her and then come back to me saying that she has a fucked up life, nah, I wouldn’t wanna be in her shoes. I am better off.

Day 5

Boy: Sweetheart, I am really sorry how things happened. I ended up sleeping with Reshma, yesterday!
Girl: Do you love her?
Boy: I think so. I mean, I feel so serene and calm, with her around. And I crave for her every day. I do not know how things got so muddled up, sweetheart!
Girl: Uh…huh!
Boy: Huh? Aren’t you Jealous?
Girl: I am surprised that you still feel the need to know the answer to this question. Does that really matter?

There ain’t really any “moral of the story” here. Kindly just treat it as a short idiosyncrasy of mine. Just wanted to write about it because I was always very confused about the difference between being possessive and being jealous. I was always confused about why do people need to answer to the question “Aren’t you Jealous?” I am confused about why people do not understand that love ain’t bad. More people you can share love with, better is the life you lead. Unfortunately, all of us have a tendency to “book” things for ourselves. Be it your favorite bike, your computer, your spouse, your parents – there are some things we always refuse to share. And yes, I shall admit that I too belong to the same cadre of mortals. But my question is, why can we not share with all our heart? Why do we always have to keep at least one single thing for ourselves, just ourselves?

P.S – I understand that this blog post borders around the so-called established norms of morality. But then again, there was a time when even Sati pratha was a norm. It took someone like Raja Ram Mohan Roy to stand up against it, and change the rules for ever. Nah, I don’t plan to change anything here. At least, not unless I have a clearer idea of the answer to my questions and concerns.

And yes, credits for inspiring me for this post goes to blog posts by The Bald Guy, Uncle J, and my own life.

I was just gonna hit the bed, and somehow, that’s when I think of you the most. Because I miss you in my bed? Probably. You should know better. You have always known me better. I just wanted to express what I was feeling, right now.

Have one last wish. Geet has always reminded me of you, and only you. I wish you stay the usual chirpy, gossip loving, impatient, impulsive, lovable, cute, and happy-go-lucky person you’ve always been. That’s your identity. That’s your definition. Please do not lose your innocence, ever. You’ll miss it later. Trust me.

Does that mean I want you to still be dominated, to still be thumbed down by others, always? Maybe. As I said, you know me better. You understand me better. You always have. And I believe that.

I always used to have the faith that a good relationship is like good wine (clichéd, I know). You enjoy it more with time. It ripens more with age. With age comes the maturity, the easiness, the feeling that just by sitting beside the one you love gives you a world of warmth and comfort, even if they do not speak a single word. One of my ideal scenarios is when she and I sit on a beach, watching the sun setting, little kids making castles with the sand, young couples splashing water at each other, the older ones walking with their hands held, cutting down the horizon at multiple sections, little fishing ships returning back home after their day’s catch, and all this while I could feel every single emotion my love has been going through, by not even looking at her. Yes, probably that’d be the most perfect date for me, the perfect evening, with the perfect partner.

Relationships are probably the most complicated human phenomenon known to me. Because, to understand your relationship, you do not just need to understand your partner, but rather her needs, her whims, her close ones, her family, friends, you need to understand what makes her tick, you need to memorize what ticks her off, you need to constantly improvise on making her orgasm, not just physically but emotionally too. You need to understand her career, and you need to understand her circumstances. Unless you make a damn good job at figuring all of this out, you relationship is bound to get fucked for good, if not today, definitely tomorrow. And you know what would frustrate you the most? Even if you do all of the above and more, there is no guarantee that your relationship won’t get fucked over and over again.

I remember I always used to advise people that if you love someone with all your heart and soul, be brave and let that person drift away from you. If she loves you, she will always come back to you. If she doesn’t, probably she was never up for the keeps. Today, I learnt something much more than that. I learnt that while she would always come back to me if she loved me, what if this period of separation changed me complete as a person? What if this separation changed the very man she had once loved? What if this separation completely kills my ability to love? What if this separation gets me desperate and I end up taking my own life? Then what good would it do me even if she wanted to come back to me in the later years? Won’t that kill me all the more when, after years of waiting for her, I realize that she wants to be with me but I could not let her do so, because that might mean breaking yet another heart in the process. Today I learnt that if you love someone, you should guard that person with the last of the strength that might be left in your body. If you love someone, your ego is the last thing that should come between you. You should always remember that it ain’t war, and neither is it a deal you are signing into. If it concerns the one you love, there can not be any conditions. There can not be any compromises. Yes, you might leave your job to be with your sweetheart. But that’s called making a choice. If it ever crosses your mind that you made compromises in your life, for your love, then they were no compromises at all! You might have taken pains a million of times for the one you love. But, if one fine day, you start counting them off your fingers, they do not sound “sacrifices” anymore. They sound more like you taking care of your side of a “deal”, which is your relationship.

Today I learnt that not all decisions, about your love, can be taken with an analytical approach. As a matter of fact, a relationship is more of a thing of your gut, than your brain. If your gut feelings asks you to do something, it’s better you go ahead and do it, than wasting time in analyzing the situation. When it is your relationship at stake, it is your spinal cord that shall give you better judgment power, than that grey matter of yours.

Today I learnt, you might have a million of friends who would give their life for you, who would bail you out of every single problem, but they can never be the Devil’s Advocate when it’s your relationship is at stake. You know why? Because they have never seen how you look at her eyes when you are orgasming into her womb. Because they have not felt your heart beat when you were asleep in your lover’s arms. They have never experienced the excitement and anticipation you felt when you used to meet your lover after ages of separation. They were not around you when you would stay awake, all night, whispering sweet nothings into your partner’s ears. They were not around when you had spent hours in the solitude of your bed, trying to figure out how to make your lover feel special on your next love anniversary. It was not them who felt like conquering the world just because your lover had that twinkle in her eyes every time she met you. They were not there every time your love hugged you and made you feel the most special person in his life, made you believe that you are in the most secure pair of arms, which will never let you go, doesn’t matter how deep a shit you are in.

Friends are there to be your support, to be a helping hand, to be the shoulder to cry on. Friends are there to give you company, they are there to make you feel safe. They are also there to support you. They can give you a perspective, but aren’t supposed to drive a hole into your head for you to absorb it within your system. Friends are great to have, only if they understand that you are first an individual, and then a friend.
Today I learnt if you love someone, it is important to own up to it, too. Today I learnt that if you have a cause, you need to have the balls to fight for it too. Today I learnt, if you plan to go against the tide of the society, you should have the courage to stand up for it too.

Today I learnt that I am one of the lousiest guys to be in a relationship with. Today I learnt that I might be the least romantic of the guys to go out on a date with. But today I also learnt that if I love someone, I can turn hell loose, and fuck all my principles, just to get her back, just to be with her, for her happiness, for her love.

You both say that you are busy, busy. Of course, it does not help that you both are living in two different cities and that one has work deadlines and the other college deadlines.

There is no real excitement… especially since talking on the phone has also become a redundant activity. And, ‘Oh, baby I just called to say I Miss you/ I love you’ is not exciting anymore. I know I sound like a crazy hag, but then, that is what it is. I mean, I am one person who totally believes in story book romance, and I for once have not yet taken a real onus to get the just right thing for my sweetheart. On the contrary, I am not looking forward to the V day for the first time since I started understanding the concept of Valentine’s Day.

I think I am getting old… or maybe we really do need some spice in our lives…

But, it is not that I am not happy about completing five years of being in a committed relationship. It is such a pleasure to know that there is someone who loves you, for the person you are. This time- instead of looking at the past year, I am looking forward to our future.

I just hope- That all turns out to be fine.

Yes, enough of jargon. The bottomline is, the conference went on well. It was great to meet up a few of my old mates, namely Madcap and Dhiraj. We even made a short trip to a pub called Ego Obsession, in New Friends Colony, and ended up getting tipsy over 2 frigging bottles of wine. Moreover, I shall strongly suggest their Chicken Pepper Steak, it was heavenly!

Sakshi, it is always a pleasure to be in her company. While I couldn’t meet her for long on the first day I was there, thanks to the 4 hour delay by my flight, I finally postponed my return by a couple of hours so that I could spend some quality time with her. It was too frustrating for me to be in Delhi after 2 months and yet not being able to be with Sakshi for long. Anyway, these are the ways of life, I guess.

By the way, I had also ended up being a part of a little accident when a cab just drove very close to me and gave me a little scratch on my left leg. Anyway that isn’t the center of my concern. What pissed me off is the fact that I let my Blackberry go off my hand, due to the shock, and the topsy-turvy that it went through, on the tarmac, was really ugly. Lost the navigation pad of the phone, in the process. Now all I can do is make and receive calls, on my brickberry. Need to get it repaired, asap, or my life’s gonna come to a halt, real soon.

Just got to know, a few days back, that it was Saraswati Puja a week back, and I had absolutely no clue about it. Now, for the first time in my life, I have missed Saraswati Puja and am feeling miserable. Now, I ain’t really the worshipping kind. More of an agnostic. But I love the tradition, I love the efforts that go into organizing the Puja, love the feeling it emanates, into the heart of every who has seen the way Saraswati Puja is done in West Bengal.Yes, I guess in that way, I am a true Bengali at heart.

Yes, I hadn’t watched the classic until now. What do I say? I am just glad that I got the rest 2 sequels too, safely copied onto my hard drive. Hopefully I’ll get to catch up the with both thof them by the time I land back in Bangalore, which would be the day after.

Don’t worry, I ain’t one of those those bastards who get to go online while on a flight too. I am just typing down this impromptu blog post on gedit (notepad on Linux) which I plan to publish after I end up at my dear friend, Madcap Loon’s place.

So, what is this blog post is all about, you might ask. Good question, as one of my good-for-nothing colleagues woud say when he wouldn’t find a satisactory answer to anything. Frankly, I am kinda pissed by the amount of time it’s taking me to reach Delhi, even in a flight. I mean, this plane left Bangalore airport at quarter to eight in the morning, and it’s almost eleven now, while all I can see out side the windows are clouds. For Christ’s sake, how many more hours shall I have to stay put in these uncomfortable seats?

Suddenly, I remember Shashi Tharoor’s tweet when he had complained for being forced to fly cattle class. Okay, I mean no disrespect towards my fellow men. But seriously, the size of the seats in an economy aeroplanee seat is hardly any inch bigger and any degree more comfortable than a frigging Volvo bus. And to think of it, I get charged a bomb. Yes, I accept your point that I get to reach my destination a lot faster, and without having to run over potholes. But did anyone ever tell you that I am putting my goddamned life at stake, here? And did you know that when you book your flight tickets, the fine print says that you are aware of the fact that the airline company holds no responsibility of your life. Yes, your frigging pathetic puny life!
Happy realization, buddy!

Sakshi, my girlfriend, asked me today morning, on text, whether I was excited. Excited to get to meet her after 2 months straight. Hell yeah, I am. But I am also a bit terrified of the fact that I shall be landing in Delhi on the Republi Day itself. I hear, the borders are gonna get sealed off, and the heart of the capital, the Connaught Place, shall be under a lockdown. You know why I am scared? Over four years ago, I had come to Delhi to meet her, without letting my parents know. The date was October 29, 2005. Now look up the Internet, and tell me what happened in Delhi on that particular day. And on that particular day, the receptionist of the hotel I was staying in, called me up at frigging three in the morning to inform that the polica had come, for inquiry.

I do not know whether you can feel my plight, the emotions I had gone through, at that point. But I must confess one thing. I still dread to be any where around the nation’s capital, when there chaances of unrest. During my 11 months’ worth of stint in Delhi, I had never left my house on the Republic Day, the Independence Day and even on the days when people were out to vote. Simply put, after that fateful night, and another when I was arrested in Kolkata, Howrah station, on suspicions of being a terrorist, I steer clear off the authorities. Nah, I don’t hate them. But I don’t trust them either.

Dayam! Kahani kahan se shuru hui thi, aur kahan jaa kar pahunchi. Anyway, my laptop’s battery’s low and it’s time I shut it off. Sayonara, until next time.

P.S. – Writing this part after landing in Delhi and getting my netbook charged up bit. The flight not only got late, but couldn’t land in Delhi due to heavy fog and had to be diverted all the way to Lucknow. There, we were asked to wait on the runway itself while the plane got itself refueled and freshened up. We had to wait on the tarmac itself for almost 45 minutes before the flight took off again. Never before in my life had I been in a plane for over 7 hours! Anyway, finally in Delhi, safe and sound, before I fly off again, the day after.

It’s been a while since she got bit by the “marriage” bug. No, I am not complaining. As a matter of fact, it was actually me who had first started speaking about it. It was me who started weaving the “future“. It was me who started making “plans” and even executing them. But then, hey, aren’t guys supposed to be the ones to shy away from the M word? Then, what was I thinking?

The fact is, I got tired. I got tired of seeing her go away, every single evening. I got tired of trying to pay attention to her whispers, every single night. I got tired of not being able to drift off to sleep, in her arms, without keeping an ear on the ticking noise. I got tired of staying miles apart, checking out for cheap flight tickets and wondering if I could just plant a kiss on her lips, next weekend. Yes, I even got tired of waiting for weekends, to be able to make plans of meeting up. Yes, I got tired!

I wonder, how do people do it? How do they stay in a relationship and yet not stay together? I wonder, how can you sleep all alone, every single night, when you know there’s someone out there thinking about you, wishing you by the side, wanting to ravage you the next time you get to meet? I wonder how couples can get so lovey-dovey and cosy in the restaurants, parks and even in office, but yet go back to different homes, different lives, at the end of the day.

And yet, when she started with the “marriage talks“, I started getting cold in my feet! No, I am not afraid of “commitment“. And I am sure she can vouch for that. But, I just do not know how to figure when it’s the “right time” to get wedded. I mean, shouldn’t you be worrying about your future? Shouldn’t you be a bit practical and take a peek at your savings account, before you decide to take the plunge? Shouldn’t you have a clear future plan, at least for the next 10 years, before you decide to take the vow? Shouldn’t you first let both set of the parents get comfortable with each other, before you decide to encircle the fire 7 times? Shouldn’t you be asking yourself, “Buddy, are you ready for it?”

No, I do not wanna chicken out. Rather, I wanna get into it as bad as it can get. But the problem is, I just do not know if it’s time. I do not know whether we are following the right “protocols“. I do not know whether I would still want a marriage if we were allowed to live together, under the same roof, and if society accepted us as any other married couple. I do not know if I’d ever wanna elope with her, in case either of our parents do not give in to our relationship. Neither do I know if I shall be able to keep her happy, after we get married.

All I know is, I love her. Yes, I do love her, goddammit!!

Yes, you are right. My life is fucked!

But then again, I have her, to make my life beautiful again!

Just watched 3 Idiots, today morning. Watched it online. No, I am not a supporter for pirated movies. But after all the hullabaloo that have been created by Mr Chetan Bhagat, VVC and Aamir Khan, couldn’t wait till the opportunity of getting a ticket to the multiplex.

Anyway, watching the movie, I had been strongly remembering Dil Chahta Hai, one of my all-time fav movie. And I had also been wondering, do all good set of friends are in a set of three? I mean, I have been in quite a few schools, and cities, in my life. And in all those places, even I had always had a close knit group of 3. Not a single more, Not a single less.

Yeah, just wondering.

As for the movie, I am surely gonna influence my own parents to go, watch the movie. Of course, they hardly have any more career choices to make, for me, but maybe it’ll help them dissuade their friends to stop imposing career decisions on their respective kids.

How about you? Did you watch the movie? What’s your reaction, on the movie’s tagline “Strive for excellence – success will follow“, on the controversy served up by the team and the author, and on my question of whether good friends are always in a set of three?

All thanks to the Delhi rains

Recent rains in Delhi seems to have lashed out at and affected almost every spectrum of the social strata. The roads have witnessed traffic jams that were over 13 kilo meters long. Well, neither did I get spared.

Despite the heavy rains in the morning, I just had to attend office today. Hence started my fight to go out in the open and hail for an auto rickshaw. After half an hour’s worth of waving both my hands in mid-air, reality dawned upon us (my room mate works in the same company as I do) and decided to go back home. Little did I realize that, in the process, I would manage to get my laptop (lent by my office) all drenched by DHMO (dihydrogen monoxide). Despite an hour-full of tinkering, all I could taste was failure. However, thanks to my girlfriend’s thumping, it’s finally back and roaring!

Oh yes, did I mention that the water also managed to screw up the keyboard’s backlight of my BlackBerry? Nah, it’s still broken. I guess, I shouldn’t have prayed so hard for the rains, after all.